The Topic That Never Was, or Possessed by J Morrow

The Topic That Never Was, or Possessed by J Morrow
by Ian Woolf and Peter Eisler

The meeting opened with Graham Stone reporting that despite the
physical absence of Kevin Dillon, nine adults met at Seven Hills. Also
that the Southern crowd will be meeting on Sunday (you missed it). Jack
Finney and Don Pendleton died. Eric Lindsay pushed the Worldcon in
Australia in 1999 bid yet again. The three main choices open to voters
will be Zagreb, Australia, and Las Vegas (pushed by the Chicago mob
against the will of the Las Vegas members). Eric then dumped several
hundred "Worldcon in Australia in '99" onto the table for the nine
adults present to collect.

Terry Pratchett's heavy schedule was outlined by Kevin and Peter,
alternating locations and times, completely unrehearsed. Apparently he
appeared at Galaxy bookshop, Dymoks bookshop, the NSW State Library,
and Cancon. Eric revealed that there is a Bureau that keeps lists of
writers and organises with venues for displaying them (ASIO?).

"You can't be too cynical about Australian writers", opined Eric,
complaining about the troubles with the local SF writing scene. "If it
hasn't got a dragon or a unicorn on the cover it won't sell." Eric went
on to report that most science fiction titles sell only 2000 copies in
Australia, which deters publishers from spending money. However Qantas
can be persuaded to bump up the class.

Harlan Ellison's visit went well, except that Peter admitted to
insulting Harlan with pedantry. In revenge Harlan harrassed Leigh
Blackmore. A newspaper article was shown reporting the discovery of
several new planets, one of which was calculated to have a surface
temperature of 80 degrees Celcius. The writer pointed out that this makes
liquid water possible, and made much of the idea that this makes
life as we know it possible. However the planet in question is a giant
like Jupiter, so liquid water is unlikely. There was some small
discussion of the fact that it was becoming trendy to feature Leonardo
Da Vinci in SF novels, despite the fact that he's dead.

Eric forged his press pass in an elaborate scam to gain free gifts at
Comdex. Free gifts from various marketers still cross the Pacific in
hopes of wooing Eric's gilded pen. In Las Vegas Eric bought some chips
and was given a free night and meal at the hotel as a result. The next
day someone else cashed them in, and that night they bought the same
amount of chips, and continued the cycle.

Uri Geller, when not making yoghurt ads, now has his own World Wide Web
site, as falsely promoted in the Sydney Morning Herald. The article
reported that Geller had a million dollar psychic challenge open to
denizens of the internet. The basis of the challenge was reported to be
spoon locked in a safe in Geller's house, complete with camera focussed
on it and reporting to the web page. When the spoon bent, the people
connected at that time would be gathered to Geller's house for further
tests. The winner (as determined by Geller) would then get the million
dollars and succeed Uri Geller's lofty position. On investigation, Ian
disovered that Geller is still searching for a sponsor to provide the
million dollars; and the safe, and the camera, and the spoon. Sounds bent to
us. His page contains only a brief explanation of the challenge, and a
series of well laid out advertisements for his consulting business. The
Futurians came up with a better test which will be implemented after
the interactive Basenjis site is activated.

New Scientist had further elf sightings on the cloudtops. The IgNoble
awards were given out by the Annals Of Improbable Research for 1995.
Here is a complete list of the 1995 Ig Nobel Prizewinners:

NUTRITION John Martinez of J. Martinez & Company in
Atlanta, for Luak Coffee, the world's most expensive
coffee, which is made from coffee beans ingested and
excreted by the luak (aka, the palm civet), a bobcat-like
animal native to Indonesia.

PHYSICS D.M.R. Georget, R. Parker, and A.C. Smith, of the
Institute of Food Research, Norwich, England, for their
rigorous analysis of soggy breakfast cereal, published in
the report entitled 'A Study of the Effects of Water
Content on the Compaction Behaviour of Breakfast Cereal
Flakes." [Published in the research journal "Powder
Technology," November, 1994, vol. 81, no. 2, pp. 189-96.]

ECONOMICS Awarded jointly to Nick Leeson and his superiors
at Barings Bank and to Robert Citron of Orange County,
California, for using the calculus of derivatives to
demonstrate that every financial institution has its
limits.

MEDICINE Marcia E. Buebel, David S. Shannahoff-Khalsa, and
Michael R. Boyle, for their invigorating study entitled
"The Effects of Unilateral Forced Nostril Breathing on
Cognition." [Published in "International Journal of
Neuroscience," vol. 57, 1991, pp. 239-249.]

LITERATURE David B. Busch and James R. Starling, of
Madison Wisconsin, for their deeply penetrating research
report, "Rectal foreign bodies: Case Reports and a
Comprehensive Review of the World's Literature." The
citations include reports of, among other items: seven
light bulbs; a knife sharpener; two flashlights; a wire
spring; a snuff box; an oil can with potato stopper;
eleven different forms of fruits, vegetables and other
foodstuffs; a jeweler's saw; a frozen pig's tail; a tin
cup; a beer glass; and one patient's remarkable ensemble
collection consisting of spectacles, a suitcase key, a
tobacco pouch and a magazine. [Published in the medical
journal "Surgery," September 1986, pp. 512-519.]

PEACE The Taiwan National Parliament, for demonstrating
that politicians gain more by punching, kicking and
gouging each other than by waging war against other
nations.

PSYCHOLOGY Shigeru Watanabe, Junko Sakamoto, and Masumi
Wakita, of Keio University, for their success in training
pigeons to discriminate between the paintings of Picasso
and those of Monet. [Their report, entitled "Pigeons'
Discrimination of Paintings by Monet and Picasso," was
published in "Journal of the Experimental Analysis of
Behavior," vol. 63, 1995, pp. 165-174.]

PUBLIC HEALTH Martha Kold Bakkevig of Sintef Unimed in
Trondheim, Norway, and Ruth Nielson of the Technical
University of Denmark, for their exhaustive study, "Impact
of Wet Underwear on Thermoregulatory Responses and Thermal
Comfort in the Cold." [Published in "Ergonomics," vol 37,
no. 8, Aug. 1994 , pp. 1375- 89.]

DENTISTRY Robert H. Beaumont, of Shore View, Minnesota,
for his incisive study "Patient Preference for Waxed or
Unwaxed Dental Floss." [Published in the research journal
"Journal of Periodontology," vol. 61, no. 2, Feb. 1990,
pp. 123-5. ]

CHEMISTRY Bijan Pakzad of Beverly Hills, for creating DNA
Cologne and DNA Perfume, neither of which contain
deoxyribonucleic acid, and both of which come in a triple
helix bottle.

(This data is taken from http://www.improb.com/projects/igs95-winners.html
Up-to-the-minute news about the Ig Nobel Prizes and about the Annals of
Improbable Research can be obtained by sending e-mail to:
INFO@IMPROB.COM)

Eric elaborated on an AIR article on Rectal Foreign Bodies. The
story one patient gave was that he'd heard a burglar outside, so he had
stood on the sink to look outside, and had slipped, falling backwards
upon the champagne bottle. The doctor asked what had happened to his
trousers. This reminded Graham of a story from (yes!) the 1930's,
called "The thousand deaths of Mr Small", in which Mr Small bashes his
child, falls onto a coal scuttle, the handle of which, becoming a
rectal foreign body, kills him.

The creation of antimatter hydrogen atoms was also reported in the
newspapers. Brian reported on the new German SF series screening on SBS
called "Stella Stellaris" which he hadn't seen. Peter and Ian reported
that it seemed to be about an alien blonde whose secret ability was to
make clothes disappear. The Infinitas bookshop runs SF meetings with no
name on the 1st or 2nd thursday of the month. Brian went on to relate
his almost adventures at the Cinestore, a movie script shop. He began
to regale us with tales of not meeting Sama Hung, and finding an Oliver
Stone script of Bester's "The Demolished Man". However Graham felt the
need to expostulate. "Can I just interrupt the flow of rhetoric?", he
asked rhetorically. He then proceeded to answer his own question by
plowing forward. Brian then continued informing us about the "Island of
Doctor Moreau". Apparently Marlon Brando has chosen to perform his role
in full Kabuki makeup. The director has gone Feral. Val Kilmer also
wanted to dress in kabuki makeup but but had to settle for looking like
a racoon. "Independence day" is a film script about the invasion of
America by aliens. There was loud cheering from the Futurians. A film
titled "Men In Black" is in the works (don't tell anybody). "Strange
Days", and "12 Monkeys" are to be released this year, and he also saw
Michael Crichton's forthcoming film about an amusement park where the
controlling computer system breaks down and the exhibits kill people.
This time its called "Twister".

At this point in the evening, fireworks were observed out the windows
over Darling Harbour. We rushed to the windows to watch. Gary turned
out the lights and the fireworks stopped. He turned them on again and
the fireworks obediently started up again. He was told "do that again".
So he did. the fireworks obeyed again. At this point we got bored and
returned to the discussion. The newspapers had reported that if you
wore red/green glasses the fireworks would appear 3-D. We noted the red
and green fireworks, but everything out the windows appeared 3-D that
night, so it must have been a generalized effect.

Brian also saw the "Aliens VS Species" script. On the merchandising
front, the Johnny Mnemonic pinball game has appeared and was reviewed
by Mark Phillips. There is also an Area 51 video game. Area 51 is a US
Air Base that does not appear on civilian maps. In the game, you get to
shoot US troops.

Mark mentioned "Towing Jehovah" which led Peter to chant "J Morrow, J
Morrow, J Morrow", and to record this in his notepad for later study. He
then repressed the memory in best Freudian fashion, while Ian covered
by suggesting a cartoon of "The Unpleasant Profession of Jonathon
Hoek".

Garry reported that a magazine starting with "P" was showing a
gynacological tour of Dana Scully (Gillian Anderson). Peter claimed to
have a friend with a copy, and would borrow a copy for the next
meeting. Ron Clarke reported that Trek Australis was breaking up due to
debts, with the mailing list being part of the settlement.

In an unlikely turn of events tonights topic of "Probabilty and its
breakdown" was not discussed as the meeting ended at this point. After
careful consideration, the topic was determined to be more appropriate
for the next meeting.