Here's Why

Scratch the Giant Carrot

[January 1996]
Scratch the Giant Carrot by Ian Woolf and Peter Eisler

The meeting opened with Ron Clarke explaining to Eric Lindsay why food
couldn't be sex. Graham Stone regaled us with the latest chapter in his
continuing battle with Jadwiga Jarvis in the Australian Bookcollector,
the latest article was titled "Book Arts My Arse". Ian and Eric brought
food for the end-of-year Food meeting, as everyone had been asked to at
the last meeting by Ron. Nobody else remembered. [Except for Peter, who
couldn't be bothered.]

Eric announced that Harlan Ellison will be appearing at the Powerhouse
Museum on the 5th, 6th, and 7th of January 1996. [You've already missed
this]. To quote from the flyer:

"Harlan Ellison. [What sort of sentence is this?] As a writer, he has
won more Hugo Awards (7 1/2) than anyone. [HALF??? Wasn't that
particular story popular enough for a whole Hugo Award?] As a
screenwriter his name is synonymous with the original [Harlan
Ellison's:] STAR TREK,[Harlan Ellison's:] OUTER LIMITS, and new [Harlan
Ellison's:]TWILIGHT ZONE. Currently Creative Consultant on BABYLON 5
[the only SF TV show with pockets], his world now encompasses the
realms of computer games [ours has encompassed them for years]
(Cyberdream's I HAVE NO MOUTH, AND I MUST SCREAM), and comics (HARLAN
ELLISON'S DREAM CORRIDOR). As Tom Snyder said on the NBC TOMORROW show
[ which no doubt all of you watched]: "An amazing talent; meeting him
is an incredible experience."

We would have gone if they had instead used the quote below:

`"The Last Dangerous Visions" may be the most promising of all (it is
promised for 1980, as it has been annually for the past half-dozen
years)... Largely through his own efforts he has become
controversial... In the past decade Ellison has made increasingly
vocal efforts to detach himself both from fandom and from science
fiction.'
-- James Gunn, 1979

Eric promoted DUFF, MAF - a one way trip across the Sargasso Sea, but
not MUFF. The SF World Con will be making a move to "take back
territory for hard sf." Or at least the closest hill. "People go for
size." Because it is important. "Hopefully gamers will have their own
convention. [We're aware of at least six that were held last year.].
Eric then commented that "there are only a few hard science fiction
writers", to which Gary Dalrymple replied "if only we can get them to
breed."

Ian next reported on the success of the MacquarieCon Role Playing Game
Convention, which was echoed by the five gamers at the meeting. Marc
Ortlieb's Bullsheet used the Futurian to keep tabs on the whereabouts
of one Kevin Dillon. [Hi Marc!] Kevin was amused.

Digital Equipment Corporation have published technical reports on the
World Wide Web detailing their discovery of Light Emitting Vegetable
Diodes. They found that if they stuck electrodes in a pickle and turned
up the curent, the pickle glowed. Inspired by this, further DEC
engineers tried the experiment on some Kim Chee which Gary explained
was fermented Korean coleslaw. The Kim Chee didn't glow very much,
however an oscilloscope trace revealed it was performing as a
rectifier, turning the AC into DC. Thus paving the way for new McGuyver
episodes. This in turn inspired the Twinkies Project, inwhich the
American cream cake was subjected to rigorous testing, and reporting on
the internet. The Twinkies were subjected to Solubility, Gravitational,
Radiation, Rapid Oxidation, and finally a Turing test. The Turing test
was last so that they wouldn't feel bad about doing the destructive
experiments if the Twinkies proved to be sentient. Gary explained that
Basenji regard the word "twinkles" as an instruction to ur Ian related
that further tests have shown conclusively that despite Ron's claims at
the previous meetings, peas do not behave as spectacularly in
microwaves as grapes do. It has also been found that red grapes do not
display the same behaviour after being microwaved on high.

Gary informed us that Kevin Doughty is very active in the Conception
display at the Powerhouse. He also revealed [on topic] that Basenji eat
chocolate cake. With great dramatical flair, Gary read out the
following Doctor Who political tract:

"I want to bring fandom together. I want fans to be able to visit
anywhere or move anywhere and be sure in the knowledge taht there'll be
a friendly group of Doctor Who fans, who meet often, not far away. I
want fandm to be fun again. Competition is good but co-operation is
better. Clubs will always compete in merchandise but I'm sure we can
work together in other areas. Remember, the fans are always the most
important. Perhaps, one day, the clubs will join together to organise
that 'round Australia tour that John Pertwee has always wanted. The
first step must be taken now.
Neil

Nuzing in ze vurld, can ztop me now...

I've just finished reading the NA Pencil-Case and it really doesn't
stand up against the AF NA Lamp-Post. Thanks to the uproar over the new
Universal Doctor Who Theme Park..."
-- Editorials, Data Extract, Doctor Who Club of Australia

Members of the Doctor Who Club of Australia like to be known as Whoons.

Gary opened the meeting with a tasty description of the movie
"Greenslime", in which an alien algae gets killed by kamikaze
astronauts sponsered by Campbells [who, no doubt, will sue us for
mentioning them, when its really Gary Dalrymple's fault]. This reminded
people of a movie called "The Stuff" [not, to our knowledge related to
the guarana-enriched nectar of the same name] in which killer tofutti
takes over your brain, bubbles out of the ground, and wanders around
the fridge at night. Next came "Soylent Green", which several people
simultaneously, and loudly declared was different to the original Harry
Harrison story "Make Room, Make Room!". Gary then reminded us of the
Doctor Who episodes featuring maggot corgis with greenslime yachting up
the Amazon looking for mushrooms.

Ron then brought up H.G. Well's "Food of The Gods", which prompted a
remark about `Scratch the giant carrot' that nobody understood, and a
New Twilight Zone episode plagiarised by Ellison [synonomously, no
doubt] from `Food of the Gods' featuring dead giant animals. This
reminded Gary of the Japanese mushroom people movie. Which Gary then
enacted for our amusement.

Graham Stone then raised John Wyndham's "Puffball Menace", "Survivor"
and "The Day of the Triffids", wherein Triffids were cultivated for
their edible oil and ground up and fed to blind people. This led to the
novel "Year of the Angry Rabbit" by Russell Braddon, and the movie of
it, "Night of the Lepus". Rabbits terrorize the countryside and eat
people.

This led to the Big Bunny Goodies episode, featuring rabbits that
travel to the moon, and Bill Oddie eating the British Prime Minister.

The Space Merchants by Frederick Pohl featured harmless addictive
alkaloids and cultured meat. An article in a recent issue of New
Scientist disussed a new kilojoule-free oil-substitute that the FDA is
considering. The only safety problems are the fact that it leaches
vitamins out of food you';ve already eaten, and also cancer-preventing
chemicals out of fruit. People eating the oil-substitute found that
when it passed through their bodies undigested, they suffered the
problem of leakage.

Several people remembered the concept of "steakeasies", but none of us
could remember which stories featured the idea or who wrote them.
However we all wanted to visit one.

L. Sprague De Camp's "Hyperpilosity" features a wnder-food that has the
small side effect of covering the consumer with long fur. In John
Christopher's "Death of Grass", all grain crops die.

Peter at this point declared that everybody would now hear his words
before they left rather than after, as happened last month - the rude
bastards. "Bordered in Black" by Larry Niven is about a world of oceans
covered in edible algae, and the continents bordered in black.
"Lucifer's Hammer" was about some well-organised cannibals. "Soft
Weapon" had a carnivorous alien telepath being tortured by a human
vividly remembering eating a carrot.

Norman Spinrad's "Men in the jungle" had a cannibal society that was
well-organised. In "Snow Crash" by Neal Stephenson, Pizza deliveries
are run by organised criminals. In "Only Forward" by Michael Marshall
Smith, had badly organised criminal cannibals, who forced the hero to
wait forever in Pancakes at the Movies. This reminded Gary of the
"cloned foreskin over St Peter's dome basilika", but he wouldn't tell
us why. Peter however was reminded of "Dad's Nuke" by M. Laidlaw, where
Christians had kept Christ's foreskin, cloned it, and were using it as
their sacrament.

This reminded Graham of the milk-giving Shmoo in Li'l Abner, although
nobody else could see the connection. Ian then suggested that this was
like Norman Lindsay's "Magic Pudding", who loudly insisted on his
crminal owners eating from him on an organised basis. Frederic Brown's
"Last Vampires" features two vampires who travelled forward in time to
a period inhabited by giant carrots, and starved. Douglas Adam's
Hitchiker's series featured Bistromatics, the Nutromatic machine, the
universe extrapolated from a piece of fairy bread, a space drive based
on a strong cup of tea, and the cow that not only wanted to be eaten,
but was able to say so. In John W. Campbell's "Who Goes There?",
organised people are converted to aliens by eating them.

Michael Coney's "Cat Karina", in which society believed it was
vegetarian, but wasn't. Phillip K. Dick's "Cheery Gum" in which a
happiness drug with no physiological side-effects destroys society when
chewed. "Holy Quarrel" in which aliens invade Earth via Gumball machines. In
"Counter-clock world" backwards-living people consume tubes of hot and
cold sorghum. harry Harrison's "Star Smashers of the Galaxy Rangers"
features a spacedrive based on cheese. Robert Rankin's "Armageddon"
trilogy features Elvis time travelling due to a Brussel Sprout called
Barry. Peter then shut up, before anyone could leave.

Ian hauled out his list. Frank Herbert's "Dune" series revolved around
spicey worms. Larry Niven in "Their Assimilating Our Culture" has
astronauts who innocently consent to tissue samples horrified to find
their cloned selves in gourmet butcheries. In "Table Manners" humans
must learn to feast with predators inspired by sushimi. "What can you
say about Chocolate Covered Manhole Covers?" features aliens using
pick-up lines as a filter for highly intelligent people to abduct.
Piers Anthony's "Prostho Plus" is about a dentist abducted by aliens.
John Brunner's "The Stone That Never Came Down" is about food that
changes human nature. Orson Scott Card wrote a story about a man who
saves a human colony by persuading aliens to organise to eat them a bit
at a time. In Damon Knight's "To Serve Man" a great punchline is used
that we won't reveal. In "Raturava's Case" by Phillip K. Dick, humans
undergoing near-death are soothed by formless aliens who feed them
religious images. Unfortunately, this involves formless aliens being
given form by being eaten by a structured God, rather than the
Christian ideal of formed humans eating a formless God to take on a
Divine nature. They don't enjoy themselves.

It was decided that June's topic (being mid-winter) shall be Santa
Claus in science fiction.

About the author: Ian Woolf lives in Sydney, has a degree in Applied Science, worked as a solar astronomer, software engineer, systems programmer, webmaster, research assistant, Cisco CCNA tutor, Physics laboratory demonstrator, Computational Theory lecturer, and subject coordinator; while changing his career to freelance writing and broadcasting. Listen to Ian on the Diffusion radio science show on radio 2SER 107.3FM Monday at 6:30pm in Sydney or streaming audio on www.2ser.com, or listen to the Diffusion podcasts. You should follow me on twitter, here